For some reason or another I never really heard that telling yourself how you messed up over and over again was like torturing yourself.
I always thought of it as just being angry, but at yourself.
I’m always annoyed with the way I act, treat others, and think.
I piss myself off. I’m a b*tch…I’m sickened by myself.
I don’t deserve sh*t.
This also led to the evolution of my self harm too.
I used to scratch my arms out of sheer frustration with family member. Arguements and such…I did this cuz slamming door, punching walls, and ripping out hair wasn’t really working for me.
But one day I got really annoyed with myself. I think was the first time I got really irritated with myself.
I felt wierd, pissed, disgusted, and annoyed with myself. So I scratched myself. And with enough of that it turned to flat out cutting.
I don’t do it as much though. And I know why.
I used to be straightedge…my parents were cocaine junkies, and I despised them. So I told myself I would not be like them.
This resulted in me feeling really left out. My friends all drank and smoked pot. They all went to parties, and never invited me. Heck, they don’t even invite me to hangout.
So I took up smoking pot. And found it pretty relaxing. I do it at least every other day now. I do it to feel good. Cuz truthfully it does. Everything seems so good and well, and well perfect…when I’m high.
So I’ve replaced cutting with smoking. When I’m frustrated or irritated with myself I smoke…not cut. Usually.
Will this cause an unhealthy addiction to pot? Is it abnormal to hate yourself?