Resolved Question: why the sudden suicidal thoughts? please help?

I don’t really understand, and i will make it clear I’m not here for attention. I haven’t told anyone, if i want to do it..i wouldn’t say a word..i would just do it, and i all of a sudden have many plans..and no one knows. I have never been suicidal…I’m a 19 year old female…i go to college, i work 2 jobs, do a placement, homework, take care of my brother and grandma because my mom is working 3 jobs 7 days a week to keep our house, my dad is dying with kidney and heart failure(i’m way too close with him to loose him, i can’t bare it, i cry at the thought) I have never been depressed, but i do have very severe anxiety due to my past daily addiction to cocaine and ecstasy..i just i dont know, i just want to die, my life has always been very dramatic, so it can’t be because of my recent stress load.I haven’t figured it out …maybe its because i’ve never dealt with why i was using drugs, or my childhood full of emotional pain, and heartbreak (i’m not looking for pity), i just don’t deal with things, i just move on and then explope randomly…as a child i was always pushed away when i wanted to express emotion..so i don’t know my emotions very well today. My dad was too busy getting high and my mom was working…i can honestly say i have never heard i love you or recieved a hug, so i know i can’t show or accept love today…I’m an above 90 average student, i know where my problems come from and i know why i show my emotions indirectly. Thats why i am stumped why all of a sudden i drink every night to the point of black out…and just, i want to die. I have never felt like this and i have plans, i just want to do it. I know its selfish but i don’t care at this point..please help me figure out why the sudden suicidal thoughts.

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