Resolved Question: Why does Rihannah stay? Does this REAL post by a REAL DV survivor offer any clues?

(((((((Julia) ))))))

You hit the truth right over the head and scarcely seemed to notice it:

“My God, the expectations that WE put on OURSELVES.”

No one else puts those expectations on us. We expect ourselves to do
anything and everything it takes to please the one we love – and to put
up with anything and everything he says and does to us, no matter how
hurtful or harmful. Because we expect we’ll be able to outlast him, that
someday he’ll realize how much we love him and that realization will
make him change into the person he seemed to be when we fell in love
with him. What we never expect is the way their abuse steals our souls,
makes us feel self-loathing, because our HEADS know we have to get out
of this situation, and our HEARTS simply won’t let us do it.

It’s hard to live one’s life walking on eggshells, never knowing when
we’ll be attacked (verbally or physically) or why we’ll be attacked. We
just know it will happen and that they will make it feel like it’s all
our fault – even though we know, down inside where we really live – that
whatever they’re upset about isn’t our fault at all. We can’t look at
them objectively, we can’t see how desperately they need for us to be
totally dependent upon them so that they’ll never be in danger of either
being alone or being found out.

Another thing we never realize is that what we’re feeling for them isn’t
love. It’s addiction. Just as smoking and drinking and using cocaine
or heroin is addictive, so is being abused by someone who loves to play
pull-you, push-you with our lives.

They give us just enough affection to give us hope, but never enough to
give us life. We use the hope to feed our addiction – just as they
know we will. We are fully capable of outwitting them, of proving to
ourselves that they don’t really love us… they just desperately need
our dependence. And frankly, it doesn’t matter much who the woman is –
whether it’s ourselves or someone else – because what they’re addicted
to is the dependence itself, not to the person who is dependent upon him.

And we allow this, because over time, they manage to eat up all of our
self-confidence, all our belief in ourselves and our abilities, all the
education and work we put in to being happy and successful women – the
very type of women they’re afraid of and need so urgently to conquer and
force into dependence.

Why do we do this? Why do we allow this? Why do we think we love such
people when we know that what we’re experiencing from them isn’t love at
all – it’s abuse. We recognize it as abuse. Why do we love someone who
abuses us? Because we know they need us? And the fact that they don’t
care about our needs doesn’t change the fact that we care about their
needs.

So there we are, both of us addicted, each to the other. Both of us
know we each are filled with self-loathing – him for abusing us, us for
allowing it in the name of love.

Then one day it will dawn upon us – all of us who survive, that is –
that it takes TWO people for abuse to happen. Just as it takes two to
tango, two to have an argument, two to build a family on, it takes two
for abuse to occur. WE have a choice. WE can choose not to be abused.
WE can do something to keep them from destroying us. It is that tiny,
tiny spark of life in us, the desperate need to survive, that suddenly
brings that long-awaited light-bulb moment: We CAN be free! All we
have to is to choose freedom over fear, freedom over tyranny, freedom
from abuse. And once we make that choice, we realize that THIS time,
it’s for real. THIS time, we’re really done with it. THIS time, it’s
over. For good. Forever.

Then comes the hard part… deciding how to get safely out of the
situation we’re in. We’re terrified of them. We know they’ll hurt us
if we cross them, and we know that disappearing from their lives WILL
cross them, even if they just broke up with us yesterday. That fear is
one of the things that keeps us with them, after all. We know that if
we leave, they’ll find us. They’ll hunt us down and then REALLY hurt us
if we leave. They know we know that, and they’ll use it to make sure we
never find the strength and the courage to make that leap from fear to
freedom. So we have to sneak around… make telephone calls, talk to
people, make arrangements. And we have to figure out how to get away
from them, how to escape, how to disappear. We have to learn all over
again how to support ourselves (and maybe our children) and we have to
learn to do for ourselves again all those things we were forbidden to
do: have friends, go to school, go to work, laugh with the kids, have a
good time, enjoy life just for the living of it.

But we CAN do it. It takes a lot of will power – and a lot of won’t
power (as in I WON’T go back to him!) – and a lot of determination and
resolution. But we, after all, are women. We can do this. We
But we CAN do it. It takes a lot of will power – and a lot of won’t
We will be
scared, yes, but we’ve been scared for years now. We will be hesitant,
yes, we will be cautious, yes, and we will be timid for awhile, yes.
But we will no longer be puppets, no longer be objects, no longer be
victims.

Then, and only then, can we win.

Terry S
You block me from answering your questions so I am responding in kind.
I also choose to respect your block, while you do not choose to respect mine.

If you were any kind of emotionally mature gentleman you would respect my block but since you hijack my questions as an opportunity to rant against women

GET LOST.
Respect is earned, and its no wonder you narcissists are not repected.
Bla bla bla and nobody addresses the question anyway. Only in self-reported survey instruments does it look anything like violence is a 50/50 affair. All the other instruments measuring this like
– police reports
– court documents
– hospital ER data
– social worker reports
– psychologist reports

Etc. Paint a very different picture, Women are far more likely to be severly beaten, strangled, choked and murdered, They also tend to endure the abuse longer than men. If a husband is abusing his wife he is almost certainly abusing his children also.

Now piss off.

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