I love my husband very much. There is no one that I would love to be with in this world. I get so angry because I feel that he loves his drug addiction more than he does me. I feel it is his mistress and she has ahold of him and will not let go. I see him try so hard and yet I still feel that its got him by the balls. I do not want us to be apart anytime in this lifetime. But when he is high he is not the same person. He is the sweetest greatest person there is until she comes along. I hate that there is nothing I can do. He has been involved in this life for most of his adult life. He had a rotten life with his family from what he has told me about his childhood. But I know with Gods help he can overcome it. I have stood beside him for almost 4 years. I know he can do it. I have seen people change their lives. And I know that he has to want to. Sometimes like today I feel like he wants to try really hard and is trying really hard not to go do the drugs. Sometimes I feel like he wishes I would just give up on him. What is really hard for me is that I know that he truly loves the person I am , good bad and the ugly when he is not on the drugs. And I know that I truly love him. I have never seen such a love in my lifetime. And right now I feel like I afraid I am losing him to his mistress. I do not want him to fail, I am not saying that. I want the mistress to go away. And not come back. She haunts our life right now. I know it may sound crazy but I do not think I could bear life without him or really the thing is I do not want to.. Even tho we have been thru alot. Those good times are precious. He wants to go to a friends a few hours away. But he told me he may not come back if he fails. I guess I am upset because I do care and I do want the best for him and for him to be happy, I just do not want it to be the drugs over me. But in reality, I cannot change a thing. I know they are all his choices. It just sucks that I only have the choice to sit by and watch him kill himself or pray that Gods will is for us to be together, at least for a few good years, traveling maybe , living and loving. The drugs will kill him. I have my own issues. Part of me says let him go and if he comes back then it is meant to be, the other part says if you let him go, he will never come back. And really I know that is not true, I feel he cannot be away from me as much as I do not want to be away from him. So I guess all in all, If we are not together, I truly believe we will both fall apart. I know that is not logical thinking to most people. I just want to be there with him, I just feel like there is nothing I can do to help him but to be strong. People are always talking about tough love. I just keep praying. I do not know what to think anymore. I do not like the manipulative, crazy, uncaring drug addict. But I love the man I know he is without it. I know he can do it. He thinks he cannot. But I know he is trying with all that he can. He has been to rehab, he knows what they have taught him, just have to apply it. He is detoxing at home. And doing ok right now, but I can see it is getting worse for him. I have to believe God will give him the strength to make it thru it all. I still feel like I should be able to fix it, and I really know I cannot. I wish alot of things, I pray God will take the urges from him. His mistress is crack-cocaine. I wish all the people in this small town, I could just get rid of the ones selling the crap, in this small town, its about every other house, well seems like it. It all a crooked bunch of crap. I just do not know what to do anymore.