Hello, I was in a long-term relationship and then married a man after 4 years of living together. We now have a beautiful 3-year-old boy. When I met my husband, he dind’t even want to talk to me because he said that he was looking for a Born-again Christian woman, but once he saw me, he clearly became interested, and told me to move in with him after the second date. I saw some red flags during our life before the wedding, but I was so fascinated with him, that I disregarded the red flags as little things that I could handle or adjust to for the sake of being with him.
Shortly after the engagement he started to become verbally abusive. There were a couple of incidents when he was drunk and dangerous, and after that I gave him a rule: no more than three drinks at a party. He was good at following that rule, although I never trusted him and always watched him like a hawk. Long story short, he became addicted to cocaine, pornography, strip clubs and all of that stuff. He could watch porn for several days in a row, he was taking time off work just to stay home, get high, and watch porn on several screens – the TV and a couple of laptops. He also became extremely abusive towards me, and then later neglectful toward our infant baby. Even during my pregnancy I was bleeding several times because of his abuse, it’s a miracle that my baby is as healthy and beautiful as he is.
All of that ended up with a violent sexual assault towards me, and I kicked him out with a restraining order and filed for a divorce shortly after. WHen he was gone, I threw away all of open baby shampoos, lotions, formula bottles, my own stuff because I was afraid that he put cocaine there. He kept going back and forth about wanting to reconcile or not, but in the middle of all of that he was still irrational and abusive. A few months after that he claimed to have fount Jesus who saved him, and he became a born-again Christian again.
I do believe that he cleaned up his addictions. But he’s still controlling towards me, just in different ways. if before he was pushing me to watch porn with him, now he’s pushing me to study the Bible and scares me with going to Hell if I don’t believe what he wants me to believe. He also threatens me with leaving the country and giving me and the baby no financial support, or not seeing the baby for ten years, etc. After that he always comes back and says that he didn’t mean it and he was just angry.
My divorce finalizes tomorrow, and I’m desperately trying to find a solid ground. I’m terrified of making a mistake. He still wants to reconcile, but he’s also saying that once the divorce finalizes, he’ll never get back with me because the Bible prohibits marriage to non-believers, so he’s saying “once you go through wtih this, it’s over for good”.
I need people to tell me that I’m doing the right thing. I understand it with my mind, but my heart is consumed with fear and doubt.
Thanks so much, everyone
Thanks a million to all those who responded, after I read your answers, I felt good, charged and confident. I want to add another detail that I didn’t mention in my original story. In additional to my husband’s addictions, he also was consumed wtih bizzare fantasies, which involved me sleeping with other men while he’s watching. He was even contacting different stranges on the Internet, sending them my pictures and invited them to have sex wtih me, even while I was pregnant.
But I just spoke to him again, and he told me that he’s been forgiven by the Lord for everything that he did, and he’ll never step over the line to put himself in a position of a slight temptation, not to mention do anything of that nature. that’s what he means when he says that he’s a different person. He says that he has Christian values now, and he’ll never go back to his old ways.
What do you think about that? Can an adult be so radically changed at the mature age of 41?
Thanks so much!