Open Question: I think this is going to end very tragically?

I was up all last night because I was sick with a 103.6 fever, vomiting and everything. (I don’t want sympathy. All I want is some guidance and for parents out there to use me as an example) My mom walked in my room screaming and yelling that I woke her up, I told her I was sick and apologized. My dad came too, and said I am manic and I am going to the hospital I said NO. My mom also told him no. And I called my doctor so he can speak to them that they cannot do that. At that moment I was about to pack my bags and go to Puerto Rico, which I may go next week.
Previously my parents had me hospitalized when I was taking adderall 50mg. They said I was abusing it, I was throwing up food and unstable. None of this was true. It really isn’t. I was taking it responsibly. After I was released from the hospital my weight went from 160-200. I told my parents I will not work, go to school, and do chores or anything until I am on the medication I want. After they said no, I packed my bags. Instantly they got me a doctor.
See I was never like this before I never demanded medication. Now my parents made me into someone I don’t realize. I am crying when I am typing this. I take 60mg of Focalin (stronger fro weight loss than Adderall), Ritalin (30-60mg), Xanax 3mg, Klonopin 1mg, Lunesta 3mg. I abuse all of them. I never abused drugs before in my life. I snort Ritalin, I snort Xanax, I snort Focalin. I snort Lunesta. They all get me very high. I lost tremendous amount of weight. I weight 170-168ish. On top of that I throw up all of my food, I abuse laxatives, and smoke.
I still don’t understand why my parents hospitalized me. I was a good kid. I was normal. All of my friends did not understand. My parents don’t want me on any medication but they know if I am not on medication I will do destructive things like they their car, run away and other things.
All in all, my parents made me worse. I am so obsessed over my weight and I never was like this. The verbal abuse still continues. I told my mom, another hospitalization will end in death. Sad but true. If I gain any weight, I will overdose on cocaine or meth. I know I will. In fact, every day I fight the urge to buy meth so I buy Ritalin and xanax online. After the abuse they put me through, they lost control.
All I know is this, I do have problems to work out on myself, but my parents started it. I never needed help to begin with. They were doing brutal things, like calling me fat, stupid, not treating me like an adult. I think if I were to be hospitalized again I would die. Iw would either die in the hospital from throwing up all of my food, or if I can’t do that I would proab die from overdose in cocaine.

The only hope is for me to go to California. To recreate my life and get away from this abuse so I can focus on my addictions. Its only getting worse here. I overdosed so many times and ended in the hospital the past few months. My doctor and parents won’t dare to take me off meds because they know I will go to cocaine. I will, and in fact I may try some this week because of this pain they put me through. Every day constant teasing, told your worthless and everything. Its hard. So I smoke more, do drugs more and that’s it. I cant hold a job I have to snort focalin so I loose weight. I hope Aug comes soon. Because if I have another breakdown, not only will I never go to college. But I will overdose on cocaine or meth. I told my parents continue what your doing and the end result will be traumatic.
When I was in Cali with my aunt I never did this. I lost interest in my medication. I never wanted medciation. I was by the beach and had so much fun. But the longer I stay in new york the more medication I get. The more I will abuse. Soon I will mix prescription drugs with street drugs. People may say get help but all my parents do is lie. It wont go no where. If I am not on meds I wont do anything, run away. Theres no way around it. Like I said in Cali this was not the case and before my hospitalizations I was way more normal than now. Now. Do you want to know how much the hospital helped me? It turned a frinedly boy who wanted to make frineds, but mas manipulated by his parents and tuanted and now overdoses on ritalin, focalin, xanax, klnopin, wellbutrin, smoking, bulmia. Thats what happened. I pray to god that I go to cali soon because one day I might not wake up. Truthfully, I enjoyed life to the fullest, but If I live in Ny with “them” I wont make it past sept.
Its not rehab. In fact that would make things worse. Its the envrionment. I am the type of person that will fight the system and win. I put up a fight! Anyways, the soultion is a change in envrionment, but honeslty do I care if I die. Uhh i rather dioe high instead. “they” will see. I promise by sept if Im still in NY I wont be living.
I mean people like me who are forced into rehab hospitals only turn out worse and worse and worse. Havent you ever waatched South Park? Cartman. I would kill somone (no joke) if they would take my drugs. In fact the hopsital got me so fucked ( I didnt belong their) up that nothing matters more to me than drugs. Everyone else I hate. Frineds eww, family gross, everyone I hate but drugs. I was never like this until I was hospitlizaied for no reason! Thats my message.
And what I am trying to say is I was using my drug correctly now I am taking more powerful drugs that are better for weight loss get you high faster and will kill you. Simple English: Before Hipsital Normal After Hosptial Really fucked up and may overdose anytime on Meth. IN fact I bought the recepie how to make it! Its only going to get worse. IN fact I dont want to leave NEw York because of all of the drugs. My family fucked me up but w.e. its 12:46am I am going to snort some k’s and go out for a smoke so peace.
And I think for the rest of my life I will forever be obessed with drugs. After my hospitlizations it was tramatizing, and stuff. Its the “side effects” Take away my prescriptions will then drinking, smoking, street drugs come. take awy that then robery and stuff like that. It changed me. I was never like this. I dont think I will ever be back to where I was.

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2 Responses to Open Question: I think this is going to end very tragically?

  1. Marvin says:

    Sorry to here your addictons. I myself am at war.You just need to know that you are loved and you need to be around people that do love you and will not call you names. Also getting better friends will also help. You can talk to me anytime. Good luck.

  2. Alisha Gilbert says:

    I’m sorry to say this, but you have a LOT of issues that you need to work out with your parents, your doctor, and DEFINITELY a counselor. You need to stop pointing fingers and take responsibility for your addictions. You need to GET OFF the medications and realize that being 200 lbs is nothing to end your life over. I promise, you will survive. Abusing drugs has never been a successful answer to any problem – come on, you know this. The fact that you keep threatening to overdose and abuse substances like meth and cocaine is so bizarre. Why do you want to hurt yourself? If you blame your parents, consider family counseling. You need to love yourself for who you are, no matter what anyone else thinks. Stop wanting to be someone you were in the past. Create the person you want to be NOW. If Cali is the answer, then go to Cali. But honestly, what difference does it make WHERE you are? There’s drugs in Cali too -its YOU who can control if you take them or not. If you need a change of environment then leave. Emancipate yourself if your “parents” are the problem but honestly them hospitalizing you sounds like it was appropriate. Your message shows instability.

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