Monthly Archives: September 2009

I posted yesterday about some BS with my boyfriend always starting arguments and saying mean things blah blah blah. So once again last night we have another 4 hour conversation that goes nowhere. We live together. He is 35 years old and I’m 27. He is the child of an alcoholic who commited suicide in 2001. He had an addiction to cocaine following his father’s death. And as you can image he has all kinds of issues. In the last 6 months he has been increasingly more accusatory of me.
I enjoy good red wine, and SOME beers. There is usually one or the other in the house. Growing up my dad drank beer everyday and my mom almost everyday. They didn’t get drunk or puke or fight or get nasty.
I would say I do the same as my parents have done. But I don’t drink everyday. My boyfriend is now telling me he won’t be with an alcoholic.
I tell him “Who’s an alcoholic?” He gets in these obsessive cycles of evaluating my behavior to try and diagnose me as some kind of addict. He tells me I need 12 step, I need God. I grew up in church and my father was nearly a preacher! So huh? I sick of being told on a weekly basis I have a problem. Because I don’t. I don’t drink everyday, I haven’t been drunk in years, I drink because that wine compliments dinner, or beer sounds good on a hot day. I drink sometimes b/c I’ve had a stressful day. I don’t think I’m abnormal.
He’s pissing me off with this. I think he’s pushing his insecurities onto me becuase I don’t conduct myself the way HE feels in apporpriate. Anyone that can offer advice or insight would be greatly appreciated.

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For some reason or another I never really heard that telling yourself how you messed up over and over again was like torturing yourself.
I always thought of it as just being angry, but at yourself.

I’m always annoyed with the way I act, treat others, and think.
I piss myself off. I’m a b*tch…I’m sickened by myself.
I don’t deserve sh*t.

This also led to the evolution of my self harm too.
I used to scratch my arms out of sheer frustration with family member. Arguements and such…I did this cuz slamming door, punching walls, and ripping out hair wasn’t really working for me.

But one day I got really annoyed with myself. I think was the first time I got really irritated with myself.
I felt wierd, pissed, disgusted, and annoyed with myself. So I scratched myself. And with enough of that it turned to flat out cutting.

I don’t do it as much though. And I know why.
…
I used to be straightedge…my parents were cocaine junkies, and I despised them. So I told myself I would not be like them.

This resulted in me feeling really left out. My friends all drank and smoked pot. They all went to parties, and never invited me. Heck, they don’t even invite me to hangout.

So I took up smoking pot. And found it pretty relaxing. I do it at least every other day now. I do it to feel good. Cuz truthfully it does. Everything seems so good and well, and well perfect…when I’m high.

So I’ve replaced cutting with smoking. When I’m frustrated or irritated with myself I smoke…not cut. Usually.

Will this cause an unhealthy addiction to pot? Is it abnormal to hate yourself?

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Researchers are utilizing computational models to study how the brain’s chemicals and synaptic mechanisms, or connections between neurons, react to cocaine addiction and what this could mean for future therapies. Continue reading →

Opinions on my personal statement? I’m applying for Biology at imperial, Biological sciences at UCL, and Biochemistry for everywhere else. Marks out of ten for this statement? What could be improved?

From the age of 11, I began reading Life Science text books, and soon, the intricate workings of the human body and of biological systems fascinated me. This powerful interest in the Biosciences has been cultivated within me ever since. From the mechanisms of the neurones, to the biochemistry behind the electron transport chain, from the latest anti-body designs, to the binding of allosteric enzymes.
There are endless questions I wish to pursue in this field. How can the structure of cellulose be broken to produce biofuels? How can different versions of erythromycin be produced by genetically modified bacteria? How can a ribosome assemble long and complex molecules of DNA? How can different fats have such different effects on human health? What is the explanation behind the latest findings that monosaccharide and disaccharide sugars are not created equal? How can one hormone such as testosterone have such a large range of effects on the human body? How does GABA lead to severe depression and severe addictions? How have researchers managed to coax the immune system into attacking substances such as cocaine?
I have fuelled this interest by keeping in touch with the latest research developments in magazines such as Scientific American and New Scientist; such magazines have kept me informed of everything from Stem cell treatments to 3rd generation bio fuels, as well as illustrating the challenges and questions facing scientists. Thus far, I have particularly enjoyed the proteins and DNA chapters of the syllabus, with the latter encouraging me to start reading Craig Venter’s “A Life Decoded” autobiography. I have glimpsed enormous areas which I would wish to research, question, and develop following graduation, such as being able to contribute life saving discoveries that take humanity forward. Beyond this, I have developed a great level of respect for research as the lifeblood of science.
My attendance of the Salters chemistry camp reinforced my interest in Chemistry, as did the more recent headstart course in Biochemistry and Biochemical Engineering. Similarly, my voluntary work with Dorothy House, has given me the satisfaction of helping others.
Outside my academic interests, I enjoy playing the clarinet, both at home and in the West Wilts Wind band. I am currently at grade 7, and will continue to improve my standard. I also participate in canoeing, and enjoy cycling and swimming in my spare time. All these activities have helped me exercise long term commitment and methodical improvement, as well as providing a well rounded education. I hope to be able to contribute these interests in the clubs offered at university.
Written and verbal communication within science, retrieval and selection of information, interpretation of graphs, analysis of data, and presentation technique form part of the key skills required for this course-and were employed during my EPQ on “The Effects Of Global Warming On Ecosystems”. I now look forward to stretching and enhancing these skills throughout the course. I will also be attending in school Mandarin classes, in order to gain at least certified foundation level language skills, which, (along with my current German language skills), will open doors for me in the future.
I believe I will benefit from higher education, not only because it is an essential step for working in the biosciences, but also because it will continue to further and broaden my education. Fully aware that there is fierce competition at the research and development level, I have applied to institutions with the best research records, and the most thorough courses. I am motivated to study this subject up to the highest level that I can achieve, so that after my studies, I may work for companies such as Syngenta and Astra Zeneca- using my interest and the knowledge gained to enhance agriculture and drug discovery.

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some type of addiction (cocaine/pills/alcohol) because of their inconsistent behavior. Would throat lozengers cover something up? I don’t know…

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I am ruining my life. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t afford rehab.

Please help me.

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I am ruining my life. I’m terrified. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t afford rehab.

Please help me.

Continue reading →

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